Captain Verdana sat in the office waiting room.  The Admiral wanted to speak to him about the fiasco.  He sighed.  

The search for the ship had begun.  In relative terms, they were looking for an object the size of a small super-ball.  It would be an arduous job, but it had to be done.

The Admiral stepped into the office and Captain Verdana stood and saluted as duty dictated.  

“Sit,” The Admiral ordered sharply.

Captain Verdana did as he was told and began to fear what was coming to him.

“We have declared this planet, Earth, a galactic enemy,” the admiral venomously spat as he leaned forward and clenched his fists.  “They are to be destroyed.  Do you understand me?”

Captain Verdana nodded nervously for a second before he recalled that he needed to verbally answer.  “Yes, sir,” he said.

Waiting and Stranded I

Waiting and Stranded I

Crammed into the tiny little escape pod designed for one person, Captain Verdana and Giq waited impatiently for rescue.  The Escape was a narrow one, and Captain Verdana had no clue wether any other of the crew made it out before the white hole implosion device activated.  In short, it was a storage unit devised to transport large amounts of cargo in only a tiny cargo hold.    Only, it compressed the entire ship when the fool bag of chips activated it. 

Captain Verdana huffed again.  He was infuriated.  Now he felt little to no guilt about his mission.  Earth was to be destroyed, and he was more than excited to help in the destruction.  

meanwhile...

meanwhile...

Meanwhile, behind the facade of this innocent story of adventure...

I sit at home, hating my job.  Jesus, the Mexican Gardener Sandwich, advised me to plant habanero peppers, so I did.  He’s been pretty helpful at giving advice and sitting around. 

I’ve been trying to make some big moves in my life, and I feel like a salted slug in molasses.  But, it’ll happen, I suppose. 

I’m looking to do some interesting things in the world of my writing.  I’ve been struggling with my last chapters of this novel, and I really want to start this new one.  I’m not sure if I should really be going on about this fucking shit, but I guess I need to fucking vent occasionally.

Fuck...

Home I

Home I

The ride home was made in silence.  What could they really say to each other, Liz wondered.  She was still a bit confused about what all had just happened. 

They had landed in the desert so as to avoid any notice, and they had been driving ever since.  Again, they headed towards the coast.  Back to California. 

She glanced over at Judas who was looking off into the distance.  The world was dark at the moment, and the sun was hours from rising, but they were in no mood for sleep.

Judas, the bag of chips, looked at Liz and saw her looking at him.  He smiled at her, and she smiled back.  “So, I was just wondering, did we just save the world?” Judas, the bag of chips, asked.

“Yeah,” Liz replied with a smile.  “I’m a little confused about the whole thing, but I do think we saved the Earth.”

(Are you confused yet?)

run III

run III

They rounded the last turn, and stood before the door to the launch bay.  Judas, the bag of chips, cursed Star Trek under his breath for giving him the misconception about doors on a space ship.  No doors opened when you came to them.  Instead, Judas and Liz had to force large bolts to open the doors. 

They made it into the launch bay as they heard boots tromping their way towards the bay.  They closed the door and struggled to close it before the guards could catch up to them.  It took little time to get into their little ship. 

“But one last thing before I go,” Judas, the bag of chips said as he set the device he had taken to detonate only moments after they left the ship.

The bay doors opened as the little car ship lifted off.

“Punching it,” Liz said as she gunned it.  She barely made it through the bay doors, she was in such a hurry.

Space was odd in the way that it never seemed like you were moving unless you were passing something.  With the ship behind them, Liz had no idea how much space had been put between them and the ship before it would blow up. 

They had cruised for a while before they decided to look behind to see what had happened to the ship.

“Wow,” Judas, the bag of chips, exclaimed as he watched the ship implode into itself.

Run II

Run II

“I can not believe that worked,” Judas, the bag of chips said as he and Liz ran down the corridor. 

“Fuck yeah!” Judas, the bag of chips agreed.

The guard was knocked out in the cell.  Honestly, Judas, the bag of chips didn’t think he would have the strength to knock him out once Liz seduced him inside the cell, but it worked.

“Now what do we do?” Liz gasped as they ran for, what was likely, their lives.

“Get off this ship,” Judas, the bag of chips, replied between huffs.

They ran down a corridor, turned to another, and both realized that they were lost.

Liz stopped and took a long deep breath.  “We don’t even know where it is we’re going,” she observed.

Judas smiled as he saw the door with the universal sign that simply stated with one black and yellow picture to be careful with whatever was beyond the door if you didn’t want to blow up.  He opened the door and saw cases with symbols that said the same thing.  “I’ve got an idea,” he said as he grabbed a case that looked like something he could carry.

And it was about then that the alarm sounded.

“Shit!” Liz said, still trying to catch her breath.  “The guard... He’s... up!”

run I

run I

Captain Verdana sat in his big Captain’s Chair and wondered what he should do about the prisoners, much less their planet that he was ordered to devastate.  He had pleaded so as not to have to blow it up, and the council relented so long as he devastated their world enough to remove the threat of the Cane.

The little girl was pretty.  He wouldn’t have minded a bit of her, but he was sure that the strange creature that was obviously a bag of chips was her lover.  “What strange lovers these earth females keep,” he mused to himself.

“Pardon, Captain?” Giq asked.

“Oh, sorry,” Verdana said.  “Just talking to myself.”

“The planet is before us,” Giq said, rolling his eyes at his Captain’s musings.  “What are your orders?”

Captain Verdana was about to order Giq to fire upon the defenseless planet when an alarm went off.

celled

celled

Getting restless, Judas, the bag of chips, started to pace the floor in the cell.  Every thing about what had been going on was driving him insane.  The whole mess was confusing.

Another hour passed as they waited to hear from Captain Verdana again.  Whatever it was that he would say, Judas was sure it wouldn’t be what he wanted to hear. 

A life time ago, he’d been sitting comfortable in a living room watching a sandwich plant seeds.  Yet, he left the comfort of that safe place to end up in a cell on a ship in space. 

“Fuck!” Judas, the back of chips, exclaimed.  “Rotten fucking shit.  Once, I was ignorant and happy.  Mother fuck!”

Miffed and stressed about Judas’s outburst, Liz sighed and rolled over on the little cot.  “Every thing will be fine, I’m sure,” Liz lied.

four

four

“I’ve been ordered to wage a war against your world,” Captain Verdana explained as he paced back and forth.   “What the substance called Sugar on your world had done is tear apart a very important planet.  A single drop if diluted Cane delivers a chemical euphoria into the Todevaalian brain.  Now the whole planet is addicted to the stuff.”

There was a silence that crossed the table. 

The earthlings sat there, wondering how sugar could be such a bad thing.

“Okay,” Liz said, “you what us to stop bringing sugar to space.  But what are you going to do about other smugglers?”

“Eradication,” Captain Verdana said.  “Lousy council wants me to destroy the whole planet.”

“Oh my god!” Judas the bag of chips blurted.  “Very overboard idea there.”

“Even if I could disobey the order, they would just send another ship to do the job,” Captain Verdana explained with a sigh.  “Damned imperial council has really blown this one way out of proportion.”

part tree

part tree

Liz sat in the corner chair with Judas, the bag of chips, beside her.  Opposite them sat Captain Verdana with his head in his hands. 
   
Verdana lifted his head and said, “I need to know if there were any other smugglers.  Everyone on your planet is in danger because of this.”

“I don’t know what your talking about,” Liz persisted.  “Sugar is all we have.  God, you can’t tell me that Sugar is illegal in space!”

“Only one place in the universe has the substance like sugar,” Verdana said.  “Nowhere else can we get it to grow.  Earth is the only planet it grows on.”

so on

so on

Irritated with the rouse, Captain Verdana sighed and motioned for the guards to take the couple into custody. 
   
“Admit that you’re here to meet a little Todevaalian with cane,” he persisted. 

Manacled and being held before Captain Verdana, Liz felt her heart pound in her chest.  She tried not to cry as she looked at the tall, attractive space man.  “Alright, we were here to meet some guy,” Liz whispered.  “Don’t hurt us,” she pleaded.

Just read it...

Just read it...

He stepped through the doorway to see his captives.  Every bone in his body told him he should have just blasted the little smuggler ship from existence when it was spotted, but Captain Verdana decided to see who the smugglers were.  Lights went on inside the little ship, illuminating two passengers.  Paused in mid-stride, Captain Verdana watched the two get out of their little ship.

“My Name is Captain Verdana, of the Imperial Armada,” he said.  “Everything in your ship is confiscated.”

“I’m missing something, I think,” Judas, the bag of chips, observed.  “Are we in trouble?”

Mixed with emotions of fear and amazement, Liz stood confident with Judas.  Any one could be out here, they had reasoned.  Lovers, out for a cruise, for instance.  Only one way to find out if it would work.  Now, with pulses beating heavily, Judas, the bag of chips, and Liz hoped they could pull of the innocent act.  Except, this Captain Verdana didn’t seem to be buying it.

inside the belly of the Flargnar

Inside the belly of the Flargnar

The inside of the ship was clean and bright, unlike the sleazy alien’s ship they had been on before.  Liz could feel her chest tighten as she looked around.  She was terrified to see what kind of alien would walk through a doorway near them.

“You think they’re here to pick up the sugar?” Judas, the bag of chips, wondered.

Liz shook her head.  It didn’t feel right.  She was sure they were in deep shit.

And then a doorway before them opened, and two silhouettes stood in the light from beyond the doorway. 
   
Liz gasped.

“Fuck,” Judas, the bag of chips, said.

big daddy thunder guns!

big daddy thunder guns!

“Where the fuck is this guy,” Liz asked, annoyed that they had been waiting for almost two hours for the little alien guy.  She looked at Judas, the bag of chips, and saw that he too was getting a little antsy.  “I’m getting a little worried, here.”

“Yeah,” Judas, the bag of chips, agreed.  “Maybe we should bug out for now.  Come back later, or something.”

“Yeah,” Liz said, but suddenly froze where she was because as she looked out the side of the car window, she saw a ship that seemed to come from nowhere.  It was silver and black with strange writing across it’s large domed front end.  It brandished what looked like guns that fit well with the whole ‘space ship’ theme.   It exuded a feeling of doom that sent shivers up Liz’s spine.

“Get out of here!” Judas, the bag of chips, uttered in a panic.

“Yeah,” Liz whispered, and she started the engine.  She turned the little space car around and tried to gun it away from the maniacal looking ship, but the little space car only hummed as it was drawn backwards. 

“Fuck!” Liz blurted out as she smacked the steering wheel.

Ahhh... III

Ahhh... III

Judas, the bag of chips, looked at Liz as she slept.  Her soft, naked form was pale in the light.  Her sweet face mushed against a pillow with drool running down her chin.  He smiled, happy to have a girl to have sex with again.  How long had it been?  Centuries.  Oh, and she was a delight.

He went to the window and looked out into the city.  They had found a little place in Pittsburgh to move into together.  Theirs was a romance based on money, sex, and alien influence.  Judas, the bag of chips, smiled at his world.  He had to go buy sugar, and load up the car.  It was soon time to meet their contact out in the solar system again.

Da good shtuff

Da good shtuff

Zimbo pushed the hyper-drive as hard as he could to get away from the forbidden stars system.  He was almost a light year away when his proximity alarms warned him that he had been trailed.  He checked the drive signatures and saw that it was an Imperial Armada destroyer. 

“Fuck!” Zimbo said.  There was no choice but to stop and allow them to board and inspect his cargo.  He couldn’t combat a destroyer.

He was being hailed.  He tuned into the frequency and sighed with relief.  “Oh, it’s only you,” Zimbo said.  “For a moment I was really worried.”

The man in the Imperial Armada uniform smiled and simply said, “I’d still have worried.”

A second later, Zimbo’s cargo ship carrying the illegal Cane exploded silently in the vacuum of space. 
 

Ans SO on../

And SO on../

The blue little man like creature who only stood a yard high took all the sugar from the trunk of the vehicle.  He put it into cases and returned to Liz and Judas, the bag of chips, ten gold bars that were six inches long, two wide, and an inch thick.  Enough gold to make the odd looks at the grocery stores for buying so much sugar at once seem forgotten. 

Gold collected, and the sugar gone, Judas, the bag of chips, and Liz headed back to Earth, happy to have made such a deal.

III

III

Captain Verdana walked slowly back onto his ship where his crew awaited.  His orders were simple, but he felt pretty awful for it.  He was not a man who regretted things, and now he was regretting involving the small planet that wanted none of his schemes.  Only, now he was their death sentence. 

Captain Verdana sighed as he walked through the airlock to his ship.

“Your orders, sir,” Giq asked as he stood just on board to find out what the big deal was about.

“Disembark,” Captain Verdana said.  “We’ve got work to do.”

III

III

“Captain Verdana?” the tall frog like gentleman at the front podium asked as Verdana stood before the eighteen men representing the eighteen major star systems in the Galactic Empire.

“Yes?” Captain Verdana returned.

“Your records show you to be the most courageous and adamant soldier in the Armada,” the frog like man continued.   “You have been a the sole survivor of many battles.  You have also been a valiant hero to many.  Your deeds as a soldier and hero are well documented. 

“Also, it is well documented that you have been implicated in many attempts at Piracy and the exploitation of several under-developed worlds.”

There was a silence that Captain Verdana knew was just the calm before the berating began.  He waited, never letting his stern face waver.

“I have asked you here for your help,” the tall frog man said.  “My world is afflicted, and we have found the culprit of our addiction.”

Captain Verdana didn’t need to be told the history of what had come to addict the planet of Todevaal.  It was his crowning achievement, he had remembered.  He found a substance on a small planet that had no contact as of yet with the Empire, that Giq had gone crazy for.  He found that anyone from the planet Todevaal reacted the same.  And the stuff was easy and cheep to obtain.  Captain Verdana had made a fortune in one year.  So much so that he gave up the business since he had made more in one year than he would otherwise have done all his life.  It was perfect.

Only, did this Todevaalian know about Captain Verdana’s involvement?

II

II

Captain Verdana dressed in his best uniform. It was the one that he saved for only the most auspicious occasions.  He looked at himself in the mirror that ran the length of his door in his quarters.  He smiled, his award accepting smile.  He knew he looked good.  He walked out of his quarters and to the link hatch.  He looked out the portal at the grand space station that was the hub of the Galactic Armada. 

He wondered briefly if he was going to be executed.  Eh, maybe they didn’t know that it was all his fault.

“Fuck,” he muttered.  He knew that he was only lying to himself if he tried to imagine they  believed he was innocent.

Aside from that: I

Aside from that: I

Judas, the bag of chips, watched as Saturn passed by them.  He sighed.  “So where are we supposed to meet these people?” He asked.

Liz looked at the navigation computer.  “Just a little further,” Liz said.  “The guy said that there would be a beacon that we’re supposed to find.  The ship will come soon after we arrive.”

“You know, I’ve been thinking about this,” Judas, the bag of chips, said.  “It just seems a little too convenient, you know.  I mean, we’ve got a huge pile of gold, and all we need to do is use this sweet space ship car, fill the trunk with as much sugar as we can, and bring it into space.  I mean, how come sugar is worth a pile of gold?”

“Yeah,” Liz admitted.  “It does seem easy, almost too easy.  But what an adventure, huh?  I mean, no one in my family has left New Jersey in decades, and here I am on my way to the edge of the solar system in a space car.  This is awesome!  How could I have turned it down?”

Judas, the bag of chips, nodded.  She was right.  He sat back and enjoyed the ride.

Ship... and Giq

Ship... and Giq

Giq, the green fellow sitting in the captain’s chair, stood up as Captain Verdana walked through the hatch into the bridge. 

“How are we looking?” Verdana asked as he took his place in the chair.

Giq smiled and said, “Just the normal.  They keep asking about you.  I think you may really be in trouble this time.”  He had a smug smile on his dark green face.  Giq had no hair, small nostrils and a broad mouth with sharp tiny teeth.  His fingers were webbed, and his throat extended as he breathed.  He looked like a toad, really.

“Thanks for noticing,” Verdana retorted.  “Well, lets get it over with.  Where’s every one else?”

“Scub and Dallup are sleeping,” Giq said.  “It was my watch.”

“Fuck,” Verdana said as he punched into the guidance system the location of the Galactic Armada headquarters.    

Well... it was bound to happen...

Well... it was bound to happen...

Captain Verdana sat in his chair, playing with the chain that served as his belt as it dangled loosly between his legs.  The whore was finished, since he was, and she was getting a shower. 

He sighed.  He couldn't help but worry about the future.  The Universe he's known was changing.  The rampant use of Cane was getting out of hand, and even Captain Verdana had to admit this simple truth.  But what could he do now.

Admiral Dallar had called for him to stand before the Galactic Armada Council, and it could only mean one thing.  They were going to call Captain Verdana out about his involvement with making Cane available to the universe. 

But what could he really do?  If he tried to run, how long would it really be before someone would rat him out.  He was famous.  All over the Galaxy, he was known for his heroic deeds. 

"Fuck!" he blurted as he leaned back.  He looked down at his naked crotch and legs.  He stood up with an angry sigh and pulled up his pants.  He looked in the mirror at all six and a half feet of himself.  He was broad shouldered and would have looked lean in the mid section were it not for the pudge from lack of discipline in his diet.  He sucked in his gut and stood proudly for a moment.  He exhaled, and let the pudge win.

He walked into the bathroom where the whore was still showering.  He looked at her almost too perfect body through the transparent force field shower curtain and sighed.  It was a shame, he thought to himself as he blasted her with the laser gun.  She fell, dead, on the floor of the shower, never to give such amazing head again.

Captain Verdana left the room, paid the bellhop to dispose of the whore's body, and he headed to his little private ship.  It was time to see the council...

"Fuck," he muttered as he took off into space.

A begin and end.... um, something.

A begin and end.... um, something.

Judas, the bag of chips, stared into the tranquil waters off the dock in San Diego.  He wondered if any one would believe the story he could tell about his adventures over the past week.  But then, who would even care to listen.

He turned away from the water and smiled as he looked to Liz leaning against the hot red sports car.  She pulled the sunglasses from her face as she smiled.  Judas, the bag of chips, looked Liz up and down, soaking in how amazingly sexy she looked in her tight, short leather dress.  "We moving?" she asked.

"Yeah," Judas, the bag of chips, said as he put his shades on.  He looked down at the bulge that was his cock and realized that all the sacrifices were worth it.  No matter how it turns out. 

Judas, the bag of chips, sat in the car and Liz started it up.  As the car lifted off into the atmosphere, he realized that no one would probably care to hear what had happened to him anyway.

lunch with the Moonkins

lunch with the Moonkins

Liz awoke early Easter morning and took a long, hot shower.  She was hungry and realized she was early enough for breakfast, so she dressed and headed out for breakfast.  The room where breakfast was being served was right next to the office where Liz checked in.  "Hello, dear!" Glyndi greeted sweetly.

Liz looked around at who her company was.  There was a nice looking couple who were midgets, sitting at one of the tables with their two children.  The children were of normal size, but young enough to be only as tall as their dwarfed parents.  Aside from the midgets, there was a scowling young woman with two ugly guys who seemed to be measuring Liz up for something diabolical.

Liz took a seat by herself, and was soon joined by Glyndi.  "What can I get for you, dear?"

Liz ordered some pancakes.  She was sitting there, waiting, when the scowling young woman cam over and sat across from Liz.  She smiled in a sleazy way, and Liz felt her skin crawl.

"Hey, so, traveling?" the young woman asked.

Liz said, "Yeah."

"You wanna earn some gas money?" the woman asked.

Liz understood the deal.  There was probably a van or limo somewhere waiting for a young woman to say yes to sex with a stranger for money to be posted on some crappy website online.  "With those creeps," Liz asked, motioning to the two ugly guys.  "No way."

"C'mon," the woman persisted.  "It's easy, and I'll give you five hundred dollars."

Liz chuckled.  "Piss off.  You know, I'm off to LA to work in the porn industry, but I've at least got enough sense to not say yes to one of your cheesy ass shitty web flix with dirty, likely infected grease ball guys."

the woman stood with a vicious look in her eye.  "Well, fuck you, cunt!  You'll learn!  I'll be sure to see you fuck worse than those guys in L.A.!"

The bitch walked away and Glyndi came out from the kitchen with a stack of pancakes on a plate.

"They try to get you in their van, huh?" Glyndi asked as she sat opposite Liz.

"Yeah, but they're creeps!" Liz said.

Glyndi smiled.  "But your getting into a whole world like them if your off to L.A. for the porn world."

Liz looked at Glyndi in awe and surprise.  "How did you know?"

"I was once where you are," Glyndi said.  "Besides, your friend, the bag of chips was up earlier, and we chatted.  I'll tell you a good piece of advice.  You need to find the right person out there in L.A.  Then your set.  And I happen to know the guy you need to find.  His name's Ozzi Wizald.  People just call him Wiz, and he's got his fingers in all sorts of good things out there.  he can probably help your bag of chips friend to find a cock."  Glyndi smiled sweetly and stood up.  "Well, enjoy your pancakes and remember what I said."

Glyndi headed back into the kitchen, and Liz was left to enjoy the delicious pancakes.

the good bitch...

the good bitch...

Liz drove for a few more hours while Judas, the bag of chips, slept.  Biel-Nar looked over the map.  "So, the website said that it would be about 45 hours of driving," Liz said.  "It doesn't seem that far when you think of it like that, but then you have to think about sleep.  Speaking of, we should find a place to sleep soon.  I'm getting tired."

Liz pulled into a small motel parking lot just past a sign welcoming them to Effinfham, Illinois.  The neon sigh advertised ' vacancy' in the moonlight night.  Liz left Biel-Nar and Judas, the bag of chips in the car as she checked into the little motel. 

The woman who came to the counter to respond to the buzzing of the door bell attatched to the front counter, was obviously sleeping before the buzzer awoked her.

"Welcome to Effingham," the woman said.  "Here for the holiday?"

"No," Liz explained.  "My friends and I are off to Los Angeles."

"Really?"  the woman said.  She smiled from some unspoken memory and simply said, "I used to live there."

"Really?  Must have been nice," Liz speculated.

"Oh, yes it was," the woman said.  the smile seemed to broaden.  "Well, you've got room eleven.  It's right down the walk top the left.  Breakfast is from eight to ten.  Check out is at eleven, but i'm never so strict when it's a holiday."  She handed over a key and said, "The name's Georgia Lynn, but folks call me Glyndi.  Hollar if you need any thing."

Liz left the little office and helped her friends into the room.  She was asleep only minutes after plopping down onto the bed.

keep on moving.. on and um.. yup

keep on moving.. on and um.. yup

Another diner.  Another morning in a new place.  Eaton, Ohio.  Liz looked at the map she had printed from map quest, and she sighed.  "This is going to be a long trip, huh?"

"Where are we now," Judas, the bag of chips, wondered.  "I mean, on the map."

"Here," Liz said as she pointed to a little town surrounded by miles of farmland.  "You know, tomorrow's Easter.  We should do something."

"Like what?" Biel-Nar asked as he stirred the sugar into his sixth cup of coffee.

"We should paint easter eggs!" Liz said. 

"And how will we do that?" Judas, the bag of chips, asked.  "We don't have a way to cook them, much less color them."

"Right," Liz agreed sadly.  "Maybe we could just eat a lot of chocolate."

"I'm in for that," Biel-Nar said. 

Judas, the bag of chips, nodded. 

"So, there was this one time," Judas said after emptying his coffee cup.  "Jesus and Moses were just hanging around a lake in heaven, they got to talking about the past days of glory.  You know, when they were still writing the bible.  They started talking about miracles when Jesus asked Moses, 'You think you could still part the waters like you did to the red sea?'   Moses was like, 'piece of cake.'  So, he goes up to the lake, and after a little bit of concentration, the water moves.  The lake split in two, and a path was made in the muddy lake bottom.  Moses lets it all go back, and then walks back to rejoin Jesus.

"They sit there for a little and then Moses said to his friend, 'Remember that walking on water shit?'  Jesus smiled and said, 'Oh, that was easy.'  So Jesus gets up and goes to the lake.  He takes about three steps on the water and begins to sink slowly.  He walks back to Moses with his head low, and Moses said, 'It's just not the same with those holes in your feet, huh?'"

Ah, It's crucify the christ day!

Ah, It's crucify the christ day!

Liz looked into her coffee as she let the cream swirl on it's own. "You know, my parents were Catholic," she said.  "They had me going  to that church all the time.  Not only did they think my life was a pile of sin, but the Catholics have all these rules and shit.  Man, that shit sucked."

"You know," Judas, the bag of chips, started, "Jesus never wanted people to be like this.  People really have fucked it up over the years.  It was all a big game of 'one up ya!'  It started with, 'hey, I can sit and pray once a week for my soul,' and then it was 'yeah, well I can do that, and not eat steak on friday."  Next thing you know, people are fasting for a month, putting ashes on their heads and bringing home palms...  what the fuck ever happened to having a good time?"

"I know what you mean," Biel-Nar agreed.  "You were there with him, right Judas?"

Judas, the bag of chips, nodded.  "Up to the end."

"Hey," Biel-Nar said with a big grin.  "You know what those letters above Jesus mean.  You know, the ones on the Catholic Crusifix?"

"No, what?" Liz asked.

"I.N.R.I?" Judas, the bag of chips asked.  "No, what?"

"I'm Nailed Right In!," Biel-Nar answered with a loud guffaw.

Liz and Judas, the bag of chips, burst out in laughter as the rest of the people in the diner glared at them.  Liz stopped laughing, wiped the tears from her eyes and sighed.  "We should pay the check and try to find somewhere to sleep tonight."

and so on... and such on... mmm... yeah... such

and so on... and such on... mmm... yeah... such

Liz wanted ice cream.  "The problem is," Liz explained as they walked from the board walk to her car, "there's no ice cream shops open until the weather warms up around here."

"It sounds crappy," Judas, the bag of chips, said.

Liz shrugged.  "Well, it's like anything else around here.  you know, I meet all these people over the summer who say how cool it must be to live here at the beech, but really it's only cool for about four months a year.  the rest of the time, it just sucks."

"That's why your leaving for the other coast?" Biel-Nar asked.

"Naw," Liz said.  She stopped at a little old red Honda and unlocked the door.  "You guys really coming with me to get ice cream?"

Judas, the bag of chips shrugged.  "Why not?"

"You guys are the coolest little things!" Liz said as she opened the passenger door for Judas and Biel-Nar.

She got a triple scoop hot fudge sundae with extra strawberry "goo."

Judas, the bag of chips, and Biel-Nar each got a single scoop of mint-chocolate chip.  They ate in silence for a little while, enjoying their respective choices.

"So," Biel-Nar said, breaking the silence.  "What are you looking for in California?"

Liz smiled and looked around herself quick to see that no one was close enough to hear her.  "I am going to be a porn star," Liz whispered across the table.  "I'm off to be the next big name in porn.  Like I said, I just turned eighteen, and I am ready to really let it all out."

Judas, the bag of chips, nodded.  "Respectable.  I honestly can't think of how many eighteen year olds actually have made it a goal to do porn, and I have to commend you for your conviction to make it happen."

"Aw," Liz said with a heartfelt smile.  "I wish I could take you guys with me.  You two would be great company."

"We could go," Biel-Nar chimed. 

"Really?" Liz exclaimed. 

"Sure," Judas, the bag of chips agreed.  "Could be fun."

"Yippy!" Liz said with her sweet smile.  "This will be so much fun!"

in luck, or having it, or whatever... just got a good...

in luck, or having it, or whatever... just got a good...

Judas, the bag of chips, walked down the empty board walk. 

Biel-Nar looked around at the vacant vacation spot and sighed.  "I guess it's too cold to have people vacationing just yet, huh?" 

"Yeah," Judas, the bag of chips, agreed.  "But that's not why we're here."

"Just curious, but why are we here?" Biel-Nar wondered.

"To look for a way to give me my cock back," Judas, the bag of chips, explained. 

"I know that," Biel-Nar said.  "I mean, why are we here at the New Jersey Beech to look for a cock?"

Judas, the bag of chips, shrugged.  "Just figured I had to start somewhere, and this seemed as good a place as any to start."

"Oh. My. God!" a young woman exasperated as Judas, the bag of chips, and Biel-Nar walked by.  "Are you what I think you are?"

Judas, the bag of chips, stopped and looked at the young woman.  She had a soft, gentle face with full red lips and deep blue eyes.  Her hair was brown with streeks of vibrant red died throughout.  She stood about five feet and a couple of inches tall, and her body was just full enough to give her a nice curve to her waist.  "Excuse me?" Judas, the bag of chips, asked as he absorbed to his memory her beautiful form.

"What are you two?" she asked.

"I'm Biel-Nar, a sock demon," Biel-Nar informed.  "And this is Judas."

"You guys are so cute," she said, crouching down to talk to them. 

Judas, the bag of chips, gained a clear view up the young woman's short skirt to see her blue and white striped panties.  He longed for his cock, but having nothing to help his lust, he averted his eyes to look her in the face.  "Thanks," Judas, the bag of chips, said.

"What are you guys doing out here on the board walk?" She asked.

"Just out for a stroll," Judas, the bag of chips, explained.  "You?"

She shrugged.  "I'm saying goodbye.  I grew up here, and I'm eighteen as of today.  I'm leaving this shitty hole and heading to the other side of the country."

"Really?" Biel-Nar promted.

"I'm off for better shit that this," the young lady said.  "Name's Liz."

"Pleasure to meet you," Judas, the bag of chips, said with a smile.

"Likewise," Liz said.

The week the First: Part the A

The week the First: Part the A

Judas, the bag of chips looked down the road and shivered from the chill in the air.  Biel-Nar was taking a nap in the little bus station.  The bus was running a little late, according to the plump, round man who sat behind the ticket counter.  He was looking at a Maxim magazine, and it was obvious by the greasy smile on him face that he had nothing but the pictures of scantily clad fantasy women in mind as he turned the pages.

Judas, the bag of chips, had a sinking feeling that his little pilgrimage would be of no use.  But he had to try.  Having left only a few days before, he didn't want to feel anything like regret just yet.  Though he did miss the luxury of breakfast on the couch and porn late at night on the computer. 

"Hey," Biel-Nar said as he groggily walked from the bus station.  "It's chilly out here."

"Yeah," Judas, the bag of chips, agreed.  "The bus is late."

"Where are we off to next," Biel-Nar wondered.

"I figure, since we're already heading towards the coast, might as well head to the beech."

"Ugh, Jersey?" Biel-Nar asked.  "Really?"

"Sure, why not?" Judas, the bag of chips, said.  He smiled and looked up.  "Where else we gonna go?" 

Blustery morning...

Blustery morning...

It was chilly when I stood on the front porch this morning to say farewell to Judas, the bag of chips.  Biel-Nar stood ready as well as he looked up and down the sidewalk.  I sighed.

It's funny how used to something you get when it's been making you question your sanity for the past several months.  I was going to miss the bag of chips. 

"I should be going," Judas, the bag of chips, said.  He sighed. 

"So, where you gonna go?" I wondered. 

"I think southwest," Biel-Nar interjected.  "To start, at least."

I nodded.  "Good luck," I said. 

Judas, the bag of chips, turned to the sidewalk and off he and Biel-Nar walked.  They were off to their adventure, and I was left to wonder if I should ever see them again.  I have to admit, I was going to miss Judas, the bag of chips.

fuck

the adventure begins? un, okay...

the adventure begins? um, okay...

The rain was intense for a while as we looked at the wet world through the living room window.  The plastic that covered the windows to keep the heat in through the winter was finally removed, and the world looked fresh and focused for the first time in months.

Judas, the bag of chips, sighed. 

"What's on your mind?" I asked him as I could see that his sigh was part of the deep expression on his face. 

Judas, the bag of chips, looked at me with the saddest look I've ever seen a bag of salt n' vinegar chips make.  "I think I feel... un-whole.  You know?  I've felt it for some time, but it's been really driving at me these past few days."

"Maybe it's the rain," I suggested.

Judas, the bag of chips, only shook his head.  "I think I need to look for the thing that will make me whole again."

"What's that?" I said.  "Your cock?"

"Yes," Judas, the bag of chips, lamented.  "I need my cock."

"Just curious, but how are you going to go about finding your cock?" I wondered.

Judas, the bag of chips, shrugged.  "Biel-Nar said he would come with me and help me.  I don't know where it will be, but I have to try to find it."

I nodded and left him alone as I went to make dinner.  I suddenly worried just slightly that I wouldn't see him again.  But what could I do?  I couldn't stop him.  He needs to go.  I have to let him go.

fuck

the other monkey

the other monkey

I'm tired and I want breakfast. 

"Did you know there was a fourth monkey?" Judas, the bag of chips, asked.

Huh?

"It used to be; Hear no evil, see no evil,speak no evil, smell no evil," Judas, TBOC, explained.

Yeah, I think I want to go out for breakfast.

fuck

Why this me, and shit

Why this me, and shit

So, I came down the stairs this morning and found the sock demon, Beil-nar, playing the Sega Genesis.  Centipede to be exact.  Judas, TBOC, was sleeping next to him.  "Have you guys been playing that all night?" I asked.

Beil-Nar shrugged as a sock does, and said, "What the fuck else am I going to do?  You're computer has shit for games, and you don't own a fucking decent game system.  You suck."

"I've got lots of books," I said dismissively as I went to get a shower. 

I need to make dinner, and Judas wants to look up his email, so I'm going to go. 

I was just wondering, though...  Do any of you live with this shit?  Just curious.

fuck

AM hell.. thingy

AM hell.. thingy

So, my sock bit me this morning.  I mean, I was putting on my sock, and I felt teeth!  I yelped and tossed the sock away.  It smiled at me like socks just shouldn't do.  I explaimed, "What the fuck!"

"I am Beil-Nar, the sock demon!" the sock cackled.  "And you are my slave who will do my every bidding!"

I looked at the sock for some time and wondered, "Am I drunk?"

"Why do you ask?" Beil-Nar asked.

I shrugged.  "Because I'm talking to Beil-Nar, the sock demon," I explained.  "So maybe I'm drunk.  Or did someone slip something into my cereal this morning?  I don't know, but I've already got enough friends with Jesus and Judas."

"I am not your friend," Beil-Nar said.  "I am your master!"

"Man, I am so glad I don't jerk off into socks," I said as I fished for another sock from the laundry basket.

"What are you doing?" Beil-Nar demanded to know. 

"I have to go to work," I explained.

"But you must do my bidding!" Beil-Nar stated.

I looked at him and shrugged.  "Maybe after work.  Go play with Judas.  Maybe he'll do what you want.  Or Jesus; he likes plants."

I left the room and passed Judas, TBOC, in the hall way as he headed to watch morning TV with his coffee and a doughnut.  "Hey," Judas, TBOC, said.  "Just to warn you, you've got a sock demon now."

"I know," I said as I put on my coat.  "The little fucker bit me.  So what do I do with a sock demon, anyway?"

Judas, the bag of chips, shrugged.  "I wouldn't put him on, by the sounds of it."

"Funny," I said with a sigh. 

I was in my car when I realized that Judas, TBOC, was eating a doughnut.  You know, the least he could do is buy me a fucking doughnut if he's getting one for himself.

fuck

Ii wsa a lephjrican

Ii wsa a lephjrican

i Wa s a lEprican todsay... I thiknk...


I'm terribly sorry about this.  You see, Shannon is quite drunk.  I'm surprised he's not dead, the amount of liquor that he consumed this evening.  He did manage to pass out sitting at the computer.  he looks like an ass, leaning in the chair with drool dripping from his beard.  I wouldn't be surprised at all to find that he's thrown up upon his computer by morning. 

Either way, I decided to finish his little entry here since he's obviously unable to.  I wish you all a good night's sleep.  I'm heading to bed myself. 

Goodnight,

Judas

Happy St drinking week!

Happy St drinking week!

It's St Patrick's day week...  drink 'em if ya got 'em

need coffee

need coffee

Back to the early morning shift, and I fucking love it!  It's like things are finally getting back on track and settling into normality around here.  Pregnancy is over... now it;s just the routine of taking care of the baby.  The job is being good with hours and shifts... I'm having success with my writing for once... The imp is gone, and Judas, the bag of chips, is making me coffee in the kitchen as we speak. 

Man, I am so glad things have gotten back to normal around here.

fuck

The rolls... like roast beef...

The rolls... like roast beef...

So, I came home to find the lifeless imp, half eaten, on the turtle's rock.  I have to admit that I breathed a sigh of relief.  He was fucking annoying.  I scooped up the little body, or what was left of it, and was about to throw it in the trash, when it screamed at me.  I was surprised, and I dropped him.  He fluttered up and laughed his ass off while I started to look for the fucking fly swatter.

Jesus, the Mexican Gardener sandwich was starting to rot, so I thew him away.

Judas, TBOC, was looking out the window, muttering to himself about how he wants a cock again.

I took a nap.  I think it's supposed to rain.

fuck

dreaming of bottles

dreaming of bottles

"You look rough," Judas, TBOC, observed.  "I mean, I heard the kids all night.  Been busy, huh?"

I nodded.  I made three bottle for the new one, and had a cranky boy who wanted all night to just get up and play.  and then he screamed his head off when I wouldn't get him up.  The little sleep I did get, I ended up dreaming of baby bottles.

I started some coffee.  I sent an email back to the guy at Conewago Coffee at Cygnet studios in E-Town.  I said I would take the Tuesday, March 21st, date.  I'll be reading and story telling at about 7pm... until who knows.  I asked him to tell me how long he'd like me to read.  Now I just need to get people to comeo ut and listen to me.  I guess I have to pretend I like people again to shmooze.

"You're still taking me, right?" Judas, TBOC, asked. 

Yes, Judas, the bag of chips, will be there. 

"What about me?" Jesus, the Mexican Gardener sandwich, asked.

I think he's starting to smell bad.  I wonder if I should have put him in the fridge.  eh...oh well.

I think I need coffee now.

fuck

Just a thought...

Just a thought....

"Looking up Japan on Google Earth again?" Judas, the bag of chips asked.

Just wishing I was going.  Oh well.

"What's so great about Japan, anyway?" Judas, the bag of chips, wondered. 

I was young, about twelve, when I first watched Akira.  It was just the beginning of my fascination with Anime and Japan.  There was a show, KOR, that made me really wonder what the culture was like over there.  And then we learned a little history in school... and it escalated.  Now, I want to go there and drink Tea.  I want to see the castles... and I just want to be there.

I suppose, liek everything else, the grass is always greener on the other side.  I've been known to jump proverbial lawns to get that greener lawn, and found it's just as brown as the old one was.  Maybe it's better not to go so I can keep the idea in my head that it would be amazing.

"You know, I wouldn't give up just yet," Judas, TBOC, offered.  "Hey, so you doing a reading soon?"

I think so.  I just got an email from this little place in town that would love to have me.  He sent me three dates, so I guess I should pick one.  I'll have to look at a calendar. 

"Can I come along?" Judas, TBOC, asked.

"Sure," I said.  At least I'll have one person there.  I wonder who would come out on a Tuesday evening?  Or anytime, for that fact. 

"Hey, by the way, I think your Imp pissed your turtle off," Judas, TBOC, said.

I looked over and there he is, the turtle, looking at the water from atop his rock.  I asked what had happened.

"The imp was trying to rodeo ride your turtle."

fuck

The sun has decided to be there once again after the earth had rotated around to us again. ugh.

The sun has decided to be there once again after the earth had rotated around to us again. ugh.

Jesus, the sandwich, sat by the young sprouts when I came down to feed the baby.  "Have you been neglecting these guys?" Jesus, the sandwich, asked.

I didn't know what to say.  I was curious how Jesus, the sandwich, happened to be there, but honestly, I'm just too tired to care.

"You know, I have a really good question for you that some one asked me," I said.  "For being god, you sure seem to only give a shit about plants.  Why is this?"

"Oh," Jesus, the sandwich, said.  "God, huh?  Did I say god?"

I nodded.

"Well, I may have exaggerated that a bit," Jesus, the sandwich, explained.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, my name is Jesus, but it's pronounced Hey-zoos," Jesus, the sandwich explained.  "I'm actually a gardener from Mexico."

Well, that explained the accent.  Huh.  Suddenly, the idea of eating a mayonnaise filled, sweaty, Mexican Gardener sandwich made me not feel so good.

I left Jesus, the Mexican gardener sandwich, with the sprouts.  I have to admit, it seemed odd all of a sudden to have a sandwich talking to me, but on the upside, I can go back to being an atheist who doesn't believe in god.  This works for me.

I went out to the kitchen and found the imp in the sink that was overflowing.  He was using a plastic dish as a raft and lounging under the light in Jams™.   I yelled and he jumped up and flew behind the microwave.  I turned off the water and unclogged the drain.  Fucking imp.

fuck

late night

late night

Can't sleep.

"Probably the caffeine in the double shot espressos," Judas, the bag of chips, noted.

Yeah... I had forgotten this one...  Oh, caffeine in large doses...  my other addiction...

fuck

fucking done for

fucking done for

"You look tired," Judas, the bag of chips, observed.

"Yeah," I admitted.  I just wanted to come home and veg out, but instead, I had to fill the fish tank with water because the fucking imp was drinking out of it like it was a soda.  Man, I can not wait to get rid of the fucking get rid of the fucker. 

"Yeah, well, he's been really irritating since you left this morning," Judas, the bag of chips, said.  "He decided to look for treasure in your cactus pot."

To put it lightly, I was pissed to find the fucking cactus on the floor and the fucking dirt emptied from the pot.  Fucking imp.

fuck

yubglublubi... i gmensl yu

yubglublubi... i gmensl yu

I was so fucking tired when I got to work today.  It was a rough morning.  The imp was tormenting the turtle by dangling food sticks before him and then throwing them into the water.  I yelled at the imp and he hid behind the tank.

"I told you so," Judas, the bag of chips, said.  "How was work?"

I shrugged.  It was work.  I hate the fucking job. 

"At least you have a fucking job," Judas, the bag of chips, said.  "And you have a cock."  He sighed.

It was about that time when Jesus, the sandwich, came in and huffed.  I turned around and looked at him and wondered how the fuck he got to my house.

"You had better not have fucked with the plants!" Jesus, the sandwich, barked at me.

"The fucking plants are fine," I said.  I turned and ignored him.  I was hoping he'd go away.  He didn't.  I finally turned back to Jesus, the sandwich, and asked what he wanted.

"Don't you like me any more?" Jesus, the sandwich, asked sadly.

I told him that I just haven't had time to stop and get a delicious Jesus.  But since he was there, I devoured his holy, mayonaised garnished body.

"You realize that he's going to just keep coming back again and again," Judas, the bag of chips, explained.

I nodded.

fuck

the boat in the fish tank

the boat in the fish tank

"You know, I haven't seen Jesus recently," Judas, the bag of chips, observed.

I nodded.  I was getting sick of him, and besides, he's not a cheep sandwich to have all the time.  And, I want to watch my weight.  Too much Jesus just goes to my gut. 

"So, how was work?" Judas, the bag of chips, asked. 

Not bad, I have to say.  I mean, I fucking hate my job and all, but it was okay of a day. 

Of course, that was before I got home and had to stop the imp.  He was sitting in the fucking fish tank with a little rod trying to catch my wife's fucking angel fish.  Fucking imp.

fuck

Poor Little Imp...

Poor Little Imp...

So, I went into the bathroom and could smell that fucking spray.  That god damned mother fucking spray.  I watched the fucking little thing where the imp was, and I could swear I heard very quiet whimpering.

"Yeah, and?" Judas, the bag of chips, prompted.

So, I said, "Hello?"  The whimpering stopped and the bathroom was silent.  I pissed and was washing my hands when I could swear I heard the slight sobbing. 

I went back to the bathroom before my shift was over, and I saw the imp sitting on the little machine.  He saw me and shrugged.  "It don't matter no more," he said.  "I've lost all the others, and I'm fucking trapped in this bathroom."

I asked why he doesn't leave, and he just said that he doesn't want to be seen.  But he was losing his interest in caring.

"I can sneak you out in my cd case," I offered. 

So now, he's sitting here in the living room and waiting for spring.  I promised to take him to a park to find his friends when it got warm again.

"You brought a fucking imp to your house..." Judas, the bag of chips said.  "You are such a fuck."  He shrugged and walked away.

Uh... huh?  Never mind.

fuck

hmmmm... should I?

hmmmm... should I?

"You would come and see me if I was having a book singing, right?" I asked Judas, the bag of chips.

"Yeah," he, the bag of chips, said.  "Why, you having one soon?"

I sighed.  I've been contacted by a company that works with a small publishing firm.  They basically do this program where they offer a half price deal, so to speak, on their services.  Their services are simply that they tell people that you exist.  I have a book, and they tell people that I have a book.  This publishing company provides the books if you sell any.  If it does well, it could be the beginning of a really good thing.

"So, what's the problem?" Judas, the bag of chips, asked.

I shrugged.  "I don't know.  I guess that there's just this worry that I'm buying into a dead end.  I just don't know.  I mean, I'm a good weaver of a tale, but am I really worth it?  You know, the funny thing about that very statement is that I want a publisher to take  that risk for me.  I've played it safe all this time, but maybe I need to just do it!"

"Alright!" Judas, the bag of chips, shouted as he jumped up and down for a second.  He stopped, slumped, and looked away.

"Did I just see you move?" I asked.

"I don't know," Judas, the bag of chips, said with a shrug.

"Um..." I started, but I stopped.  I just decided to leave it.  I'm pretty sure that bags of chips can't move on their own... so I must have just been seeing things.  "Yeah, maybe I'll do the thing with the people to promote my... book.  I think I'm tired."

"You should try to get a little sleep before you have to get up again," Judas, the bag of chips, suggested.

yeah, sleep...

Fuck

the fucking retards

the fucking retards

"You looked irritated," Judas, the bag of chips, observed.

So, I get to the school to drop the kid off, and they decided because of the snow to not have parents drive down the hill to come around to the door.  so they have me let the kid out in front of the school.  Now, I understand that because of the snow, people may get stuck trying to slowly get up the little hill, but they hadn't really thought it out so well.  In fact, what happened was that they drastically shortened the path for the line that now spread out both ways into the main road.  Only, they were trying to get all the buses in too, and this made all traffic get stuck.  So there I was, wanting to turn out of the school and into the line that was waiting to get into the school, while a long line was waiting to get from the other direction.  Only no one else could get in unless the line moved behind me, but they couldn't move until I did... and I couldn't move because I was waiting to exit by turning into the line of traffic that was waiting to get in... and they couldn't move because the line had stopped because I needed to move so that....  you get it?

"And these people directing the traffic," Judas, the bag of chips, speculated, "They're the teachers who teach your children?"

I nodded and sighed.

Fuck

Up fucking Early

Up fucking Early

I was up earlier than I wanted, and I just gave up on sleep.  My mind is too full of things.  Kinda bummed. 

"You thinking?" Judas, the bag of chips, asked.

Yup, I told him.  I'm thinking about this thing that I was offered about having my books available in the stores.  I guess I'm not worth the full risk of fully backing my book in print, but I'm worth the risk of splitting the costs of doing this? 

"It's the fucking economy," Judas, the bag of chips, explained.  "Authors like King and Card, and all those that already have a big following could write a pile of shit, and no one would hesitate publishing it because they already make money.  People will buy a King book even if they have little fun money.  but a whole new author?  Well, no one has the extra cash to just take risks.  It sucks.  As for the opportunity to go halves?  Can't tell you what to do, but it may not be a bad idea.  Maybe you should look into what they've done for other authors first."

I nodded.  It made sense. 

fuck

harumph

harumph

I've been sitting at this computer for about an hour, just not able to write a fucking thing...  ugh.

"Dude, you wanna drink?" Judas, the bag of chips, offered.  "You should have a drink.  It'll make you feel good."

I sighed.  I'm tired and blah.  I just kinda want to lay down and read a book, but I don't know what I'd really like to read. 

"How about that drink?" Judas, the bag of chips, asked.

"Naw," I said.  I don't think I want to drink.  Okay, well, actually, I want a lot of beer and a bottle of whiskey.  But that won't get me anywhere.  But then again, maybe I need that.  You know, the not anything good where place.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Judas, the bag of chips, asked.

I keep thinking that I should make some fucking brownies with chocolate chips and peanut butter icing.  I don't know if that would be better than the booze.  Really, what the sad fucking state of life I live as I think about how good beer and...  fuck, A CHOCO-TACO WOULD FUCKING RULE THE FUCKING WORLD RIGHT NOW!

"You okay?" Judas, the bag of chips, wondered.

I nodded.  Nope.

fuck  

Oh well... fuckers

Oh well... fuckers

"So," Jesus, the sandwich, said to me as we sat there on the couch.  "Another one of those, huh?"

I nodded.  I sighed.

"You know, they can't say no forever," Judas, the bag of chips, offered.

 I nodded.

"So, ah, how are the peppers growing?" Jesus, the sandwich, asked.

"You are so fucking insensitive," Judas, the bag of chips, shouted.  "Get the fuck off your fucking peppered horse, you fuck!  He's just gotten another rejection, and your worried about your peppers, you fuck.  as though there can't be anything more fucking important than your fucking peppers.  What about his feeling?  Huh?  Ever think of that?  What about my cock?  Huh?  But no!  Your fucking peppers are the only fucking thing in the fucking world.  God, you make me fucking sick you fuck!"

I nodded.  I sighed.

fuck

ugh

ugh

i'm tired.

"Get some fucking sleep," Judas, the bag of chips, said.

ok

fuck

gribble naktchi ughg

gribble naktchi ughg

"So, you going to bed soon?" Judas, the bad of chips, asked.

I said that I wanted to try to get a little more of this chapter written, and that the kid has to get a shower, too.

"You know, I miss bathing," Judas, the bag of chips, admitted.  "I used to bathe in this bathhouse where there were the most delicious young slave girls who loved to have anal sex.  You know, it's nice having anal sex with a young female slave girl because it's like sodomizing a young slave boy with the option of a vagina.  Ah, I miss those days.  You don't really have slave girls these days, do you?"

I shook my head.  I explained that all one needed was some money and Craig's List to find local prostitutes.

"Really?" Judas, the bag of chips, asked in wonder.

I nodded.  I showed him, and showed him that some even have pictures.

"Wow, your slave girls are expensive," Judas, the bag of chips, observed.  "No wonder you're in a long term relationship."

I assured him that it's not really a financial decision.

fuck

a bzz bzz bzzzz a bzz bzz bzzzz

a bzz bzz bzzzz a bzz bzz bzzzz

I couldn't get this fucking song out of my head where this hippie guy is playing for a bunch of punks and he shit's on the stage and cuts himself with a razor and pisses on the audience while singing this lame ass hippie song.

"Yeah, dude," Jesus, the sandwich, remarked.  "That's a fucked up thing to have in your head all day.  On a side thought, how's the fucking imp?"

I sighed and watched the show again with the hippie...

fuck

Fucking fly swatter bull shit

Fucking fly swatter bull shit

"Sooo... The fly swatter was a no go?" Jesus, the sandwich, inquired as we sat on the couch.

No fucking shit!  I went to the bathroom, fly swatter in hand, and the fucking imp sprayed me in the fucking eyes as I looked to find him.  So there I was, jumping up and down, yelling, "You Fuck-douche-fucking-cock-wad-fucker!" when three of the managers from the district management meeting walked in.  I washed out my eyes and told them that the thing went off, but I doubted they would have believed me about the imp.  I left the bathroom with red eyes and a hateful disposition for the fucking thing. 

"I knew it," Judas, the bag of chips, laughed.  "The imp is a tricky fucker.  It's not as easy as that to get rid of them."

I sighed and ate Jesus, the sandwich.  Even his delicious, crusty body couldn't ease my hate for the fucking imp. 

fuck

fucking fastnauchts

fucking fastnauchts

"How many of those things did you eat?" Judas, the bag of chips, asked as I yawned.

I shrugged.  "About six."

"Fuck, that's a lot," Judas, the bag of chips, observed.

I nodded.  "I fucking love fastnauchts.  No idea why, I just fucking love them."

You know what I love?  Keeping in mind the intention of the Fastnaucht, I love the idea of buying day old Fastnachts.  (if you found that funny, you don't sleep any more either, or you think like me.  either way, I'm sorry.)

fuck

fuckin imp

fuckin imp

"You smell like a really clean public bathroom," Jesus, the sandwich, said to me as we sat down on the couch. 

"Isn't that an oxy-moron?" Judas, the bag of chips, asked.

It was the imp in the bathroom at work, I explained.  I was in there, and i heard the little fucker laugh as I was just starting to piss.  I made the mistake of looking up.  the fucking imp got me in the eye.  i tried to wash the shit out, but it fucking burned.  So, then my eyes were all red, and everyone I worked with asked if I was okay.  I just said I got something in my eye.  Fucking imp.

"Sounds like you need to kill the fucker," Jesus, the sandwich, said.

"How?" I wondered.

"Try a flyswatter," Jesus, the sandwich, suggested. 

I have to remember the flyswatter tomorrow when I go to work.

"Good luck," Judas, the bag of chips, said to me later.  "It's not easy to kill one of those shits."

fuck

Shit... looks a alike

Shit... look a alike

"So, the first night with the new baby, huh?" Judas, the bag of chips, asked.

"Yeah," I said.  It really wasn't too bad aside from the fact that it's all about little naps for about an hour and  a half or so. 

"I never had children," Judas, the bag of chips, explained.  "Wanted to, but I was hung before I could.  Lesson learned?  Don't help to kill a guy who people think is god."

"Not a good idea, huh?" I said.

Judas, the bag of chips, sighed.  "Nope.  And now I'm a bag of fucking chips.  I have no cock, I have no life.  I just sit here and wait for you to talk to me."

"Why a bag of chips?" I wondered. 

"Eh, it's better than the last time," Judas, the bag of chips, said.  "It's sucked being a quesadilla."

fuck

Ugh gna bu

Ugh gna bu

"So you've been busy," Judas, the bag of chips, remarked as I sat down for the first time this evening.

I agreed.  I still had to go get the laundry.

"Busy work getting things ready for a baby, huh?" Judas, the bag of chips, observed.

"Yeah."

"Hey, where's Jesus?" Judas, the bag of chips, asked.

I shrugged.  "I guess I didn't want to listen to Jesus, the sandwich, today."

fuck  

...uh...

... uh....

So, the two shots are still ringing through my head as I sit here....

"So," Jesus, the sandwich, said, breaking the silence.  "Another one, huh?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Name?" Jesus, the sandwich, asked. 

"I think Tracy liked Colleen...  but I want to pick the spelling."

"Huh...  you okay?," Jesus, the sandwich asked.

I nodded.  "Yeah," I said.  "Just hungry.  Maybe I should have eaten you before the shots."

"Naw," Jesus, the sandwich, said.  "Really, it would have been a waste of money to buy those shots and feel nothing... but you may want to eat me now.  you know, before you head back to the hospital."

"Yeah," I said.

"Oh!" Judas, the bag of chips, blurted.  "She had the baby!"

Plop Plop Fizz Fuck

Plop Plop Fizz Fuck

"What's with the look on your face?" Judas, the bag of chips asked.

I told him about the imp.

"Yeah?  I had an imp in my pantry once," Judas, the bag of chips said.  "It called itself Shiggle.  I hated the fucking thing.  It loved to eat holes my rice sack.  My poor sack.  I had to fix that sack so many times... I remember my sack.  I loved my sack.  I want a new sack.  Wait, what was I saying?"

I reminded him about the Imp named Shiggle.

"Oh, yeah, that fucker.  Oh, he would do the most damned things to fuck with me.  I tried all sorts of things to get the fucking thing gone, but it just never wanted to get the fuck away.  It loved my pantry.  I tried magic, mouse traps, and even imp porn.  None of it worked."

"Where the fuck do you get imp porn," I wondered.

"You need to have some pretty skilled photographers, but it's possible," Judas, the bag of chips explained.  "There are a few important things to consider when trying to photograph naked imps.  First, they're always naked.  Second, they are terrified of cameras.  But if you're really careful, and you know where to find the imps, you can get pictures if your perfectly still and not let them know you have a camera.

"Once, I got a picture of two imps hammering away on this little girl imp.  I was patient enough to get a dp picture.  those imps were really nasty."

I looked at Judas, the bag of chips.  He looked sad.  I asked why he was sad looking.

"I miss my cock," Judas, the bag of chips, sighed.  "You have no idea how envious I am of you and your ability to masturbate whenever you want to.  I would love to stroke a cock right now."  Judas, the bag of chips, sighed.  "My cock, I mean."

I understood.  I expressed my condolences. 

"Even if I could have come back as a fucking dog... but no.  A fucking bag of god damned mother fucking chips!"  Judas, the bag of chips, was starting to shout.  "Fuck you, you fucking universe!  You can eat shit!"  He calmed down after a few minutes and sighed again.  "I'm tired.  I'm ready for bed."

I left Judas alone and went to look up porn on the computer.  I found this video of this old grandmother getting it from three guys.  It's like a fucking car wreck, but damn it cool to watch.

fuck

The fucking thing in the Fucking bathroom

The fucking thing in the fucking bathroom

"What the fuck is that smell?" Jesus, the sandwich, asked me as we were sitting on the couch.

I smelled myself and sighed.  "Fuck," I said.  I explained that there is this little thing above the urinal that sprays this super-concentrated room freshener every so often.  I said that I think it's broken, because for the last few days, that shit has fucking gone off while I was in mid-stream.  Oh, and that shit is the fucking worst!  It burns your eyes, even if your looking down, and then it burns your throat and the smell never leaves your nostrils!  And I'm absolutely sure that it fucking giggled the last time it happened.

"It giggled?" Jesus, the sandwich asked.

I nodded.

"Imps," he spat.  "You have imps in the bathroom at work."

I looked at Jesus, the sandwich, and wondered what the fuck he was talking about.  I shrugged and ate him.  Oh how delicious the body of Christ.

fuck

Getting late...

Getting late...

So, I was washing the dishes when Judas, the bag of chips asked me, "You seem pissy today."

I shrugged.  I explained that I just had a shitty day at work, and have been having a shitty day at home.

"Do you want a chip?" Judas, the bag of chips asked.

"No," I snapped.  "I want to not have had such a fucking shit fucker of a fucking day."

"You wanna talk?" Judas, the bag of chips, persisted.

I turned off the water and dried my hands.  "No.  Thanks."

I left Judas, the bag of chips, in the kitchen.  I went out into the living room and watched music videos on demand for a bit.  (Mr. Jones, by Counting Crows is on there now.  I love that fucking song.)  And as I watched a Radiohead video, I realized that I never brought Judas, the bag of chips, out to the kitchen.  I asked who may have moved him, but no one claimed to have touched any chips.  I went back to the Kitchen and there was Judas, the bag of chips.  He sat, glaring as only a bag of chips could glare. 

"What?" Judas, the bag of chips, questioned.

I shrugged it off.  Someone must have moved him and just not really thought about.  Fuck, it was probably me.

fuck

long mother fucking day...

long mother fucking day...

So, Jesus, the sandwich, was really talkative today.  He wouldn't shut up the whole way home as he complained about the weather.

I told him that I didn't think it was that bad. 

Then he went on complaining about the fucking drivers and how they don't know how to drive in the snow, and I said, "It's not even fucking snowing."

But he just went on and on, and I finally just said, "Then go back to fucking Jerusalem if you don't fucking like it here!"

He shut up for a few minutes and finally just said, "They don't have Sheetz there."

fuck

The fucking "Elder" fuckers

The fucking "Elder" fuckers

Jesus, the sandwich, and I were about to enjoy a little Bill Cosby when there was a knock at the door.

"Don't move," Jesus, the sandwich, whispered firmly.  "Just stay perfectly still until they go away."

I asked what he was talking about.  Who was at the door?

"Them," Jesus, the sandwich, spat.  "The most vile, disgusting creatures that ever walked the streets.  They have souls filled with rotting shit.  Their mouths spew putrid poison.  Their minds are made up of rotting vomit.  They are the Mormons, and they must be avoided at all cost!"

 "Ugh!" Judas, the bag of chips, blurted.  "The Mormons are the most awful, disgusting examples of rot!  They've destroyed the entire state of Utah, and they plan on world domination.  Their slug like 'elders' prowl the streets for weak minded fools to turn into maggot filled zombie soldiers."

I couldn't believe they were agreeing on something.

"Some things," Jesus, the sandwich, explained, "require that all things less evil unite to destroy the most vile thing.  Then, once their common enemy is destroyed, then their own battle can be fought."

"Like in The Hobbit," Judas, the bag of chips, said.

I understood.

fuck

This is the morning!

This is the morning!

The tomato plants have sprouted, and there is a little movement in the pepper plants' pots.

"Good," Jesus, the sandwich, said.  "Now, the flowers must be prepared!  The green and pretty flowers.  Purple is nice.  Yes!  There must be purple!  Get planting!"

Jesus, the sandwich, was being really pushy today, so I didn't really give him much of a chance to push me around.

"What are all the plants for?" Judas, the bag of chips, asked.

I told him that Jesus, the sandwich, wanted to make salsa or something.  Personally, I was thinking about bruschetta.  

"What about chili?" Judas, the bag of chips, suggested.

mmmm, chili.

fuck

Sermon

Sermon

Sermon





..
"And
shout it to the people of the world," Jesus, the sandwich said, "so
that they know that I have come to free them.  Free them from what, you
ask?  Freedom from the guilt of sin.  For in this world of vices and
desires, I say that you shall only have to come to your Lord to be free
of sin.  For if you feel you have sinned, then you will bare that guilt
and the consequences of the sins in your heart.  But I come to free you
from the sin.  Behold, my flesh made sandwich!  Take of my body and
cleanse your self of the guilt of sin!"

So I ate him. 

fuck

Time to prepare?

Time to prepare?

VD.  Fucking hallmark, but the wife wants to do something.  So we go out.  I come home, and send the baby sitter off with the wife to drive her home, and I hear Judas, the bag of chips, scream at me after she leaves.

I ask what the problem is.

"Your fucking baby sitter smelled awful!" Judas, the bag of chips, shouted.  "Holy fuck!" 

I noticed a smell, too.  I realized that the dredlock hair and the white trash clothes should have given it away.  The baby sitter is a dirty hippie!  Fuck, how I hate dirty hippies!

"Well, spray something!" Judas, the bag of chips, demanded.  "Light a candle!  Fabreeze the couch!  Anything!  Just get the stink of dirty hippie out of here!"

Well, I did what I could, but I'm not sure if the smell will ever get out.

fuck