fuckin imp

fuckin imp

"You smell like a really clean public bathroom," Jesus, the sandwich, said to me as we sat down on the couch. 

"Isn't that an oxy-moron?" Judas, the bag of chips, asked.

It was the imp in the bathroom at work, I explained.  I was in there, and i heard the little fucker laugh as I was just starting to piss.  I made the mistake of looking up.  the fucking imp got me in the eye.  i tried to wash the shit out, but it fucking burned.  So, then my eyes were all red, and everyone I worked with asked if I was okay.  I just said I got something in my eye.  Fucking imp.

"Sounds like you need to kill the fucker," Jesus, the sandwich, said.

"How?" I wondered.

"Try a flyswatter," Jesus, the sandwich, suggested. 

I have to remember the flyswatter tomorrow when I go to work.

"Good luck," Judas, the bag of chips, said to me later.  "It's not easy to kill one of those shits."

fuck

Shit... looks a alike

Shit... look a alike

"So, the first night with the new baby, huh?" Judas, the bag of chips, asked.

"Yeah," I said.  It really wasn't too bad aside from the fact that it's all about little naps for about an hour and  a half or so. 

"I never had children," Judas, the bag of chips, explained.  "Wanted to, but I was hung before I could.  Lesson learned?  Don't help to kill a guy who people think is god."

"Not a good idea, huh?" I said.

Judas, the bag of chips, sighed.  "Nope.  And now I'm a bag of fucking chips.  I have no cock, I have no life.  I just sit here and wait for you to talk to me."

"Why a bag of chips?" I wondered. 

"Eh, it's better than the last time," Judas, the bag of chips, said.  "It's sucked being a quesadilla."

fuck

Ugh gna bu

Ugh gna bu

"So you've been busy," Judas, the bag of chips, remarked as I sat down for the first time this evening.

I agreed.  I still had to go get the laundry.

"Busy work getting things ready for a baby, huh?" Judas, the bag of chips, observed.

"Yeah."

"Hey, where's Jesus?" Judas, the bag of chips, asked.

I shrugged.  "I guess I didn't want to listen to Jesus, the sandwich, today."

fuck  

...uh...

... uh....

So, the two shots are still ringing through my head as I sit here....

"So," Jesus, the sandwich, said, breaking the silence.  "Another one, huh?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Name?" Jesus, the sandwich, asked. 

"I think Tracy liked Colleen...  but I want to pick the spelling."

"Huh...  you okay?," Jesus, the sandwich asked.

I nodded.  "Yeah," I said.  "Just hungry.  Maybe I should have eaten you before the shots."

"Naw," Jesus, the sandwich, said.  "Really, it would have been a waste of money to buy those shots and feel nothing... but you may want to eat me now.  you know, before you head back to the hospital."

"Yeah," I said.

"Oh!" Judas, the bag of chips, blurted.  "She had the baby!"

Plop Plop Fizz Fuck

Plop Plop Fizz Fuck

"What's with the look on your face?" Judas, the bag of chips asked.

I told him about the imp.

"Yeah?  I had an imp in my pantry once," Judas, the bag of chips said.  "It called itself Shiggle.  I hated the fucking thing.  It loved to eat holes my rice sack.  My poor sack.  I had to fix that sack so many times... I remember my sack.  I loved my sack.  I want a new sack.  Wait, what was I saying?"

I reminded him about the Imp named Shiggle.

"Oh, yeah, that fucker.  Oh, he would do the most damned things to fuck with me.  I tried all sorts of things to get the fucking thing gone, but it just never wanted to get the fuck away.  It loved my pantry.  I tried magic, mouse traps, and even imp porn.  None of it worked."

"Where the fuck do you get imp porn," I wondered.

"You need to have some pretty skilled photographers, but it's possible," Judas, the bag of chips explained.  "There are a few important things to consider when trying to photograph naked imps.  First, they're always naked.  Second, they are terrified of cameras.  But if you're really careful, and you know where to find the imps, you can get pictures if your perfectly still and not let them know you have a camera.

"Once, I got a picture of two imps hammering away on this little girl imp.  I was patient enough to get a dp picture.  those imps were really nasty."

I looked at Judas, the bag of chips.  He looked sad.  I asked why he was sad looking.

"I miss my cock," Judas, the bag of chips, sighed.  "You have no idea how envious I am of you and your ability to masturbate whenever you want to.  I would love to stroke a cock right now."  Judas, the bag of chips, sighed.  "My cock, I mean."

I understood.  I expressed my condolences. 

"Even if I could have come back as a fucking dog... but no.  A fucking bag of god damned mother fucking chips!"  Judas, the bag of chips, was starting to shout.  "Fuck you, you fucking universe!  You can eat shit!"  He calmed down after a few minutes and sighed again.  "I'm tired.  I'm ready for bed."

I left Judas alone and went to look up porn on the computer.  I found this video of this old grandmother getting it from three guys.  It's like a fucking car wreck, but damn it cool to watch.

fuck

The fucking thing in the Fucking bathroom

The fucking thing in the fucking bathroom

"What the fuck is that smell?" Jesus, the sandwich, asked me as we were sitting on the couch.

I smelled myself and sighed.  "Fuck," I said.  I explained that there is this little thing above the urinal that sprays this super-concentrated room freshener every so often.  I said that I think it's broken, because for the last few days, that shit has fucking gone off while I was in mid-stream.  Oh, and that shit is the fucking worst!  It burns your eyes, even if your looking down, and then it burns your throat and the smell never leaves your nostrils!  And I'm absolutely sure that it fucking giggled the last time it happened.

"It giggled?" Jesus, the sandwich asked.

I nodded.

"Imps," he spat.  "You have imps in the bathroom at work."

I looked at Jesus, the sandwich, and wondered what the fuck he was talking about.  I shrugged and ate him.  Oh how delicious the body of Christ.

fuck

Getting late...

Getting late...

So, I was washing the dishes when Judas, the bag of chips asked me, "You seem pissy today."

I shrugged.  I explained that I just had a shitty day at work, and have been having a shitty day at home.

"Do you want a chip?" Judas, the bag of chips asked.

"No," I snapped.  "I want to not have had such a fucking shit fucker of a fucking day."

"You wanna talk?" Judas, the bag of chips, persisted.

I turned off the water and dried my hands.  "No.  Thanks."

I left Judas, the bag of chips, in the kitchen.  I went out into the living room and watched music videos on demand for a bit.  (Mr. Jones, by Counting Crows is on there now.  I love that fucking song.)  And as I watched a Radiohead video, I realized that I never brought Judas, the bag of chips, out to the kitchen.  I asked who may have moved him, but no one claimed to have touched any chips.  I went back to the Kitchen and there was Judas, the bag of chips.  He sat, glaring as only a bag of chips could glare. 

"What?" Judas, the bag of chips, questioned.

I shrugged it off.  Someone must have moved him and just not really thought about.  Fuck, it was probably me.

fuck

long mother fucking day...

long mother fucking day...

So, Jesus, the sandwich, was really talkative today.  He wouldn't shut up the whole way home as he complained about the weather.

I told him that I didn't think it was that bad. 

Then he went on complaining about the fucking drivers and how they don't know how to drive in the snow, and I said, "It's not even fucking snowing."

But he just went on and on, and I finally just said, "Then go back to fucking Jerusalem if you don't fucking like it here!"

He shut up for a few minutes and finally just said, "They don't have Sheetz there."

fuck

The fucking "Elder" fuckers

The fucking "Elder" fuckers

Jesus, the sandwich, and I were about to enjoy a little Bill Cosby when there was a knock at the door.

"Don't move," Jesus, the sandwich, whispered firmly.  "Just stay perfectly still until they go away."

I asked what he was talking about.  Who was at the door?

"Them," Jesus, the sandwich, spat.  "The most vile, disgusting creatures that ever walked the streets.  They have souls filled with rotting shit.  Their mouths spew putrid poison.  Their minds are made up of rotting vomit.  They are the Mormons, and they must be avoided at all cost!"

 "Ugh!" Judas, the bag of chips, blurted.  "The Mormons are the most awful, disgusting examples of rot!  They've destroyed the entire state of Utah, and they plan on world domination.  Their slug like 'elders' prowl the streets for weak minded fools to turn into maggot filled zombie soldiers."

I couldn't believe they were agreeing on something.

"Some things," Jesus, the sandwich, explained, "require that all things less evil unite to destroy the most vile thing.  Then, once their common enemy is destroyed, then their own battle can be fought."

"Like in The Hobbit," Judas, the bag of chips, said.

I understood.

fuck

This is the morning!

This is the morning!

The tomato plants have sprouted, and there is a little movement in the pepper plants' pots.

"Good," Jesus, the sandwich, said.  "Now, the flowers must be prepared!  The green and pretty flowers.  Purple is nice.  Yes!  There must be purple!  Get planting!"

Jesus, the sandwich, was being really pushy today, so I didn't really give him much of a chance to push me around.

"What are all the plants for?" Judas, the bag of chips, asked.

I told him that Jesus, the sandwich, wanted to make salsa or something.  Personally, I was thinking about bruschetta.  

"What about chili?" Judas, the bag of chips, suggested.

mmmm, chili.

fuck

Sermon

Sermon

Sermon





..
"And
shout it to the people of the world," Jesus, the sandwich said, "so
that they know that I have come to free them.  Free them from what, you
ask?  Freedom from the guilt of sin.  For in this world of vices and
desires, I say that you shall only have to come to your Lord to be free
of sin.  For if you feel you have sinned, then you will bare that guilt
and the consequences of the sins in your heart.  But I come to free you
from the sin.  Behold, my flesh made sandwich!  Take of my body and
cleanse your self of the guilt of sin!"

So I ate him. 

fuck

Time to prepare?

Time to prepare?

VD.  Fucking hallmark, but the wife wants to do something.  So we go out.  I come home, and send the baby sitter off with the wife to drive her home, and I hear Judas, the bag of chips, scream at me after she leaves.

I ask what the problem is.

"Your fucking baby sitter smelled awful!" Judas, the bag of chips, shouted.  "Holy fuck!" 

I noticed a smell, too.  I realized that the dredlock hair and the white trash clothes should have given it away.  The baby sitter is a dirty hippie!  Fuck, how I hate dirty hippies!

"Well, spray something!" Judas, the bag of chips, demanded.  "Light a candle!  Fabreeze the couch!  Anything!  Just get the stink of dirty hippie out of here!"

Well, I did what I could, but I'm not sure if the smell will ever get out.

fuck

fucking day from hallmark hell

fucking day from hallmark hell

"Valentine's day is a fucking joke," Jesus, the sandwich, said as I sat down to munch.  "There's nothing worth a fuck about the day."

I asked him why he seemed so bitter about it.

"Cuz it has nothing to do with me," Jesus, the sandwich, said bitterly.

fuck

Calling it by what it wants

Calling it by what it wants

So I was watching this porno on the computer called "her first time eight," when I heard Judas, the bag of chips, crying.  So I went over and asked him what's wrong.

"I was thinking about how much I miss my cock," Judas, the bag of chips, explained.  "See, Jesus (the sandwich), has no problem with not having his cock any more since he never really used it but to piss.  Since he don't piss any more, he don't miss it.  But I miss mine.  Oh, the fine ass young women I used to fuck.  Man, would I give anything to get inside the soft, tender folds of a cunt.  Man, I miss the vagina.  I miss shoving my hard fucking cock deep into her.  You know, I used to be hung like a fucking rabbit."

I was confused about the analogy, so I inquired further.

"The rabbit has a huge cock for it's relative size," Judas, the bag of chips, explained.  "I mean, it may only be about two and half inches on your little floppy eared bunny, but when his whole body is only about twelve inches long, that ends up to be a big fucking cock on the creature."

I said that I had never thought about it, and then realized quickly that I wasn't so fucking happy about thinking about it just then. 

"You should find me a whore that I can fuck?" Judas, the bag of chips, said.  "You should.  I would be so happy!"

Well, needless to say, I no longer wanted to watch the porno, so I turned it off to check my email.  Any one know someone who would like to fuck Judas, the bag of chips?

fuck

fucking balls

fucking balls

I was sitting here, watching this movie that I thought was going to be funny, but turned out to be not so funny because the guy who wrote it spent too many years writing jokes about home videos.  The jokes were kinda old... but Judas, the bag of chips, fucking laughed so hard!

Jesus, the sandwich, said that Judas, the bag of chips, has little in the way of humor of his own, so he laughs at anything that may be funny just to be sure that he didn't seem like he missed out on the joke.

"Fuck you, you self righteous shit fucker!" Judas, the bag of chips shouted.  "Who made you the fucking god of humor?"

"I did," Jesus, the sandwich, boasted. 

I told them both to knock it off and turned on the Powerpuff Girls.  There's something kick ass about those cute little, fingerless girls. 

Jesus, the sandwich, wanted to look at the plants that I had planted.  "Soon," he laughed.  "Soon they will germinate, and they will grow, and with my help, they will be the most powerful plants in the town!"

I wondered about the plants.  Or, I should say, I wondered what Jesus, the sandwich, wanted with the plants.  I know he said something about salsa, but that laugh almost seemed evil.

But even with that laugh, Jesus, the sandwich, didn't taste evil.  MMM... I love the delicious goodness of Jesus.  The sandwich.  I really wanted some chips, but Judas, the bag of chips, scowled at me as though he knew what I was thinking.  I shrugged and ate some pretzels instead.

fuck

Another Day that Blows

Another Day that Blows

So, the wind almost blew me off the fucking road.  I wish it could have just blown me.  yeah, that would have been nice.

Jesus, the sandwich, said that's a fucking preposterous idea. 

Judas, the bag of chips, just glared at me until I ate Jesus, the sandwich.  Then, he said, "Why do you listen to that fucker?"

I shrugged.  "Why not," I said.

"He's a fucking liar," Judas, the bag of chips, said.  "He's all about his plan, and he don't give a shit about what you may fucking want or need."

I just ignored him for a while.  He finally calmed down and wanted to watch a movie.  So, there he sits, Judas, the bag of chips, watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit.  He's a lot like me in that he laughs at every fucking part.  I wonder if he gets aroused whenever Jessica is on the screen?

fuck

Nice fucking day, eh?

Nice fucking day, eh?

So I walked out of work today into the spring like air and thought to myself, fuck, it's fucking warm.  I really wanted to tear off the plastic around the fucking windows and let in the fucking nice warm air.

But, Jesus, the sandwich, said that it would be fucking retarded if I did that.  "The second you do that," Jesus, the sandwich, said to me, "it'll be cold and blizzard like!"

So instead, I sat out on my dirty porch and watched the cars drive by.  Jesus, the sandwich said that I should clean the porch, but tomorrow.  First, he wanted me to wash my dishes. 

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I said so," Jesus, the sandwich, answered.

"Can I eat first?" I asked.

"Sure," Jesus, the sandwich said. 

So I pulled out some chips I bought.  Jesus, the sandwich, shouted out.  "Don't eat those!"

I looked at my little bag of chips and shrugged.  "Why not," I wondered.

"Because they are the chips of Judas!" Jesus, the sandwich, revealed to me.

I looked at the bag again and asked it, "Are you Judas?"

"Yes!" Judas, the bag of chips, said.  "I made you buy me so that I may come with you!"

"Why?" I wondered.

"Because, the Sheetz is a scary place to be," Judas, the bag of chips, said.  "I just want a place to go and have fun."

So I ate Jesus, the sandwich.  But I left Judas, the bag of chips, on my kitchen table.  I think he likes to watch the fish in the fish tank.

fuck

Feces... and shit like that.

Feces... and shit like that.

Fuck and fucker.  I'm fucking bored.  I miss getting out of the fucking house.  Seriously... I've been sitting here doing so little.  I spend most of my fucking evenings reading a web comic and playing with Gavin.  Then, I read my fucking book and write and think about how my financial situation blows fucking donkey ass.

Jesus, the sandwich, told me to stop wining.  I'm just tired of doing nothing.  I can't wait for warm weather, that Jesus, the sandwich, says isn't far from now.  And, though I have planted stuff, I can't do much with it until it germinates.  Jesus, the sandwich, said that it will be good.

I was bored earlier, so I was sitting out on the porch while everyone was napping.  Jesus, the sandwich, sat there and said little for some time.  This woman walked by, and I think Jesus, the sandwich, wanted her to have some of him.  He whispered to me that I should have gotten her attention, so that I could share Him with her.  I just shrugged.  Honestly, Jesus, the sandwich, is so good that I would just rather not share Him with anyone.  Jesus, the sandwich, seemed upset about my need to have him all to myself.

Jesus, the sandwich, spoke to me then, and told me about some guy who was hungry.  Or maybe he was thirsty.  I can't remember.  But he said something about sharing.

I ate Jesus, the sandwich, soon after, since he didn't seem to have anything more to say today.  Fuck,does Jesus taste fucking good.

fuck  

fucking sitting here...

fucking sitting here...

So here I sit, looking out the window and hoping for spring.  I've fucking given up on a good snow.  It just ain't fucking happening this fucking year.  Instead, it's going to just be cold and rainy.  fucking shit.

But, on the upside, Jesus, the sandwich, has promised me some great salsa this summer.  Jesus, the sandwich, didn't really say much to me today before I ate him.  I was really hungry.  well, I'm off to get some writing done and such.

fuck

Jesus, the sandwich, the sermon

Jesus, the sandwich, the sermon

And, lo, I sat there with Jesus, the sandwich, in my lap as I fucking could not wait to masticate.  There he spoke to me.

"Behold my plan," Jesus, the sandwich, said unto me.  "It's time to begin the great planting!  Go forth and buy jalapeno pepper seeds and roma tomato seeds for the great planting.  Begin by finding a sunny location within your home and place the seeds in the small starter pots.  Plant the seeds only half an inch beneath the well moistened soil.  And wait for the Germination of the great planting.  Plant about three or four of each, you know.  It'll make some kick ass salsa.  SALSA FOR THE NACHOS OF PROPHECY!"

Then, Jesus, the sandwich, had said all he was to say and I salivated profusely as I took Jesus, the sandwich, deep into my mouth.  Oh, I think I got a little on my chin.

Fuck

Jesus, the Sandwich

Jesus, the sandwich

Today, I spoke to God.  He was sitting there, in the form of Jesus, my sandwich, on my lap as I watched Spongebob.  Man, he was so good looking.  So, I prayed to Jesus, the sandwich, for all the normal things you pray for.  You know, world peace, help the destitute, and so on so I fucking seem like I care more about everyone else more that I care about what the fuck I want.  It was then that Jesus, the sandwich, stopped me to tell me his will.

His voice was that of fresh Italian bread and quality meats as he told me that in the next few months that he, Jesus, the sandwich, will be setting in motion some grand fucking heavenly plan of some sort.  Really, it going to be fucking amazing.  I would explain what the fuck Jesus, the sandwich, told me was to happen, but I really like the idea of surprising you.

As it turns out, I'm supposed to have a big fucking part of this big fucking scheme!  I'm so fucking psyched.  This shit is going to be fucking great.

So, after Jesus, the sandwich, told me of these things, he was silent.  I took him into my mouth and, holy fuck, did he, Jesus, the sandwich, taste so fucking good.  Oh, how that delicious mayo slid down my throat... oh, I need me another sandwich of God!


fuck

GOD!

I fucking found God, through his son, Jesus Christ, and I fucking can't fucking believe how my life has fucking changed.  I swear to fucking god, it was fucking awesome.  He was in a sandwich from Sheetz, and he was so fucking delicious that I'm going back to fucking Sheetz for that sandwich every fucking day for the rest of my fucking life!

I bet you wanna fucking know what fucking sandwich Jesus is in, huh?  Fuck you, he's my fucking God, get your own!

Fuck